Monday, June 17, 2013

Story of My Life, Part 2

So, where was I?  Oh yeah, feeling sorry for myself...  I took things pretty hard for a while.  I had tried so hard to do everything right.  I exercised, took my vitamins, ate a salad every day.  When things didn't go like I had expected that they should, I threw a fit. I knew that to want to die was wrong, but that didn't keep me from purposefully not taking vitamins and over eating junk food.  It was my way of rebelling against God and His purpose for me at that time.  I don't remember what changed me or helped me get through that, exactly.  I know that I had the support and friendship of a godly lady.  I guess it was that I could see some answered prayers that reminded me that God was still there.  During my first miscarriage, there were two things that were tremendous blessings.  The first was a song that a friend quietly sang as I lay on her couch, frightened and miserable.  It was "Jesus, Reduce Me To Love." (you can find it on YouTube)  Throughout the rest of the night, I had that song stuck in my head.  It was my anchor.  This time around I had three weeks to prepare for the actual releasing of my baby.  And I knew that I needed a song.  And God sent me one.  I don't even remember what it was, specifically, but I had a song.  The second blessing was that a lady from my home church in OKC had sent me some beautiful flowers after my D&C.  That meant so much to me.  And I desperately needed flowers once again.  It was Mother's Day and I was grieving the baby buried in the woods at my mother-in-law's house as well as the child I yet carried.  I needed flowers.  And I told God that, Him only.  I never shared that wish with anyone else.  My husband went to the back yard a few days later and picked a handful of iris's, just for me.  He had never done anything like that before.  And, he really hasn't since.  Picking flowers just isn't his thing.  He will buy me flowers for special occasions, and I am always delighted.  But nothing will ever touch me as those handpicked blooms.  They were sent from God.  Just because He loves me.